Should I text my ex? If you’re asking, the message is probably already typed. Maybe it’s late. Maybe a song came on, or their birthday popped up, or the holidays are making everything feel a bit more tender than usual. Your thumb is hovering over send.

Here’s the honest answer: sometimes texting your ex is completely fine. Sometimes it’s the thing that sets you back three months. The difference rarely comes down to the words. Instead, it comes down to why you’re sending it, when you’re sending it, and how you’ll feel if nothing comes back.

So this guide gives you a free 7-question test that returns a clear yes, wait or no. It also covers the research on why the urge feels so strong, a simple check we call the Morning Test, and ready-to-send messages for when the answer really is yes.

Quick answer

• Yes, text your ex when it’s practical (keys, money, kids, pets), when it’s a short and kind one-off like a birthday message, or when you owe a genuine apology and expect nothing back.
• Wait when it’s late at night, you’ve been drinking, something just set you off, or you broke up less than a month ago. Write it in your notes app and look again in 7 days.
• Don’t text if they asked for no contact, blocked you, or ever hurt, threatened or scared you. Also hold off if no reply would crush you, or if you mainly want to know whether they’ve moved on.
• Use the Morning Test. If you’d still send it at 10am, rested and sober, and you’d be fine with no reply, it’s probably OK.
• Not sure? Take the 7-question test below. It takes about a minute.

What the research says about exes (checked 1 November 2026)

We update this box when new research is published.

Should I Text My Ex? The Short Answer

Should I text my ex? The answer depends on four things, in this order.

1. Safety. If they ever hurt, threatened, controlled or scared you, the answer is no. No exceptions.
2. Their wishes. If they asked for no contact or blocked you, the answer is no. You can still sort practical matters through a friend, a lawyer or the channel you agreed.
3. Your motive. Practical and kind messages usually pass. Lonely, bored or “just checking” messages usually don’t.
4. Your state right now. Late at night, after a drink or straight after a trigger, the answer is always wait.

The test below works through these four in one go, then adds three more questions about time, reply risk and new partners.

Take the Test: Should I Text My Ex?

Answer all seven questions honestly. Nobody sees your answers, and nothing is saved or sent anywhere. You’ll get a yes, wait or no, the reasons behind it, and either a message to copy or a plan for what to do instead.

This test is a decision aid built on the research above, not a clinical tool. Your own judgement and anyone who knows the full story still matter more.

The 7 Questions Behind "Should I Text My Ex?"

Each question in the test is there for a reason. Here's what each one checks, and why it can change your answer.

1. Did they ever hurt, threaten, control or scare you?

This comes first because it overrides everything else. If the relationship involved abuse, including emotional abuse, digital control or threats, contact can pull you back in or put you at risk. If you share children or property, keep contact to a lawyer, a mediator or a co-parenting app.

If you're in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential, 24 hours a day. Under 26? love is respect is run by the same team and focuses on dating relationships.

2. Did they ask you not to contact them, or block you?

A request for no contact is an answer, even if it isn't the one you wanted. Texting anyway, even kindly, tends to feel like pressure. If something practical truly needs sorting, use a mutual friend or a formal channel. That respects their boundary and still gets your stuff back. Our guide to communication and healthy boundaries covers why respecting a no builds trust, even after a relationship ends.

3. What do you most want from this text?

This is the question that matters most, because your motive predicts how you'll feel after you hit send.

• Practical things (keys, bills, a pet, the kids): send it, and keep it short and neutral.
• A short, kind one-off (birthday, congratulations, condolences): usually fine, as long as you don't expect a reply.
• An apology: fine if it's genuine, specific, and asks for nothing back.
• Closure or answers: risky. Closure texts often open more questions than they close. Most closure comes from you, not from them.
• Trying again: possible, but it deserves a real conversation in daylight, not a midnight message.
• Loneliness, boredom or missing them: the test always says wait or no. The feeling is real, but texting your ex won't fix it for long.
• Checking whether they've moved on: this almost always hurts. It's the text version of scrolling their profile.

4. How long ago did you break up?

Time changes the answer. In the brain-scan study by anthropologist Helen Fisher and colleagues, people who had recently been rejected but were still in love showed strong activity in reward and craving systems when they looked at their ex. Notably, the longer it had been since the breakup, the less activity they showed in a region linked to attachment (Fisher et al., 2010). In other words, the pull fades, but slowly. That's why the test treats the first month as the riskiest time to text your ex.

5. Is it late, have you been drinking, or did something just set you off?

These three are the classic texting-your-ex triggers. Late at night, your tired brain makes feelings louder and consequences quieter. Sleep is when your brain resets its emotional brakes, as our guide to the science of restorative sleep explains. Alcohol does the same. A fresh trigger, like a post, a song, a wedding or a holiday, makes the urge feel urgent when it isn't.

So the test always says wait until morning if any of these are true. It also shows what your answer would be tomorrow, rested and sober. If late-night thoughts are the real problem, our guide on how to stop overthinking at night has a 10-minute routine that helps.

6. If they leave you on read, how will you feel?

This is the Read Receipt Rule. Only send a message you'd be fine never getting a reply to. If silence would have you checking your phone all evening, the text isn't really a message. It's a question you're hoping they'll answer in a particular way. That's a lot of power to hand to someone who isn't your partner any more.

7. Is either of you seeing someone new?

If they're with someone new, a personal text puts them in an awkward spot and can cause real trouble. If you are, ask yourself how your partner would feel reading it. If you'd want to hide it, that's your answer.

Why You Want to Text Your Ex Right Now

If the urge to text your ex feels almost physical, that's because it partly is. Here's what's going on.

Your brain is craving. Fisher's team found that the brain regions active in recently rejected lovers overlap with those linked to cocaine craving (Rutgers summary). Texting your ex is the hit. Like any craving, though, it rises, peaks and fades if you don't feed it.

You miss who you were. A breakup can make you less sure of who you are. Researchers Erica Slotter, Wendi Gardner and Eli Finkel found that people's sense of self became less clear after a breakup, and that this predicted more distress (Slotter et al., 2010). Sometimes you're not missing them. You're missing the version of you that existed with them.

Their profile keeps the wound open. In a study of 464 people, those who kept checking an ex's Facebook page felt more distress, more longing and less personal growth, even after accounting for offline contact (Marshall, 2012). Every scroll is a small relapse.

The season makes it worse. Shorter days, holiday songs and family questions like "So are you seeing anyone?" all stir up memories. If you notice your mood dipping as the evenings get darker, our guide to seasonal affective disorder vs winter blues can help you tell the difference.

Your ex is in your dreams too. If they keep showing up at night, that's normal and doesn't mean you should reach out. Our guide to dreaming about an ex when you've already moved on explains what those dreams do and don't mean.

The Morning Test: The Simplest Rule for Texting Your Ex

If you remember one thing from this guide, make it this. Whenever you catch yourself asking "should I text my ex?", run one quick check. Before you text your ex, ask:

Would I still send this at 10am, rested, sober, and fine with no reply?

If yes, it's probably a reasonable message. If no, or "I'm not sure", it's the hour, the drink or the trigger talking. Save the draft and look at it in the morning. Most 2am messages don't survive breakfast.

You can make this automatic. Many phones let you schedule a message instead of sending it. Schedule it for 10am, then go to sleep. If it still feels right in the morning, let it go. If not, delete it before it sends. A steady bedtime also helps, because tired brains make worse texting decisions. Then give the morning a calm start with one of these morning rituals, so the day begins with you, not with their profile.

What to Text Your Ex If the Answer Is Yes

If the test says yes, keep the message short, specific and easy to answer, or easy to ignore. Here are five messages you can copy and adapt.

Practical:
"Hi [name], I still have your [thing]. I can drop it off on Saturday morning or post it to you. Which works better?"

Birthday or holiday:
"Happy birthday, [name]. Hope it's a really good one." No question mark, so there's no pressure to reply.

Condolences or congratulations:
"I heard about [news]. I'm really sorry / really happy for you. Thinking of you." Then leave it there.

Apology:
"Hi [name]. I've been thinking about how I handled [the thing]. I was wrong and I'm sorry. You don't need to reply. I just wanted you to know."

Asking to talk about trying again:
"Hi [name]. I've done a lot of thinking since we split and I'd like to talk properly, in person. Would you be up for a coffee sometime? No pressure at all if not."

Three rules apply to all of them. Send one message, not a series. Don't bring up the relationship in a practical text. And don't follow up if they don't reply.

What Not to Text Your Ex (and What It Really Says)

Some messages feel casual but carry a lot more weight. Here's how the most common ones land.

What to Do Instead When the Answer Is Wait or No

When the answer to "should I text my ex?" is wait or no, the urge is still real. So give it somewhere to go. These steps work best in this order.

1. Write the full message, but not in their chat. Open your notes app and say everything. Getting it out often takes the edge off.
2. Text a friend instead. Tell them what you wanted to say to your ex. You get the connection you were craving, without the fallout.
3. Mute, don't block. Mute their profiles for 30 days so their posts can't ambush you. Muting is quiet and reversible.
4. Move the phone. Charge it outside your bedroom tonight. Our digital detox blueprint has more ways to make your phone less tempting.
5. Ride the wave. Set a 20-minute timer and do something with your hands: a walk, a shower, the dishes. Cravings peak and pass when you don't feed them.
6. Check in with yourself. Our two-minute daily mental health check-in helps you name what you're actually feeling. Often it's tired, lonely or stressed, not "in love".
7. Retake the test in 7 days. If the answer changes, great. If it doesn't, you have your answer.

If the breakup is still affecting your sleep, work or mood after a few weeks, talking to a counsellor or therapist can help. In the US, you can also call or text 988 any time if you're struggling.

If You Already Texted Your Ex

It happens. Asking "should I text my ex?" after you've already sent it is more common than you'd think. Here's what to do next, depending on how it went.

• They replied kindly. Great. Keep the exchange short and end it warmly. Don't treat one friendly reply as a sign of more.
• They replied coldly. Don't argue or explain. A simple "Understood, take care" ends it with your dignity intact.
• They didn't reply. Silence is an answer. Don't send a follow-up, a "?" or a "sorry for the text". Put your phone away and do something kind for yourself.
• You sent something you regret. One short line is enough: "Sorry, that was a late-night message. Ignore it." Then stop.

Either way, try not to reread the thread over and over. Like checking their profile, it keeps the craving alive.

Should I Text My Ex During the Holidays?

The holidays are peak season for "should I text my ex?" Here's a quick guide for the big days.

• Their birthday: a one-line message is usually fine if the breakup was friendly and more than a few months ago. Skip it if things ended badly or very recently.
• Christmas or New Year's Eve: use the Morning Test. A "Merry Christmas" sent at 11am is a greeting. The same words at 1am after a party are a different message.
• Thanksgiving or family events: being around family can bring up old memories. If you share friends or family ties, a short, warm greeting can be fine. Otherwise, let it pass.
• Gifts: don't buy your ex a present unless you share children and it's for practical reasons. Spend that money on the people who are in your life now. Our guide to how much to spend on Christmas helps you plan who to buy for.

The quiet days between Christmas and New Year are also a classic time to reach out. If you notice the urge growing, plan those evenings in advance. A slower, more intentional routine, like the ideas in our guide to slow living, leaves less room for 1am scrolling.

Can You Stay Friends With an Ex?

Sometimes, yes. However, it's rarer than it seems. A YouGov poll of 1,000 US adults found that only 17% of people with an ex are friends with all of their exes, while 44% are friends with none (YouGov). People are also more open to friendship when they were the one who ended things.

The reasons matter too. In research by Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling at Oakland University, people rated reliability and sentimental reasons, such as "they made me a better person", as the most important reasons to stay friends (BPS Research Digest summary). Lingering romantic attraction and sexual access were also on the list. So be honest with yourself about which reason is really yours.

If you do want a friendship, give it time first. Most people need at least a few months of space before a friendship can feel like friendship rather than a slow goodbye.

Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

Reconnecting is common. In one study of nearly 800 young adults, 44% of those who'd been in a relationship in the past two years had broken up and got back together at least once (Bowling Green State University). Still, common doesn't mean it's a good idea.

In fact, communication researcher René Dailey at the University of Texas estimates that about two-thirds of people have been in at least one on-again/off-again relationship. Dailey's research also finds that partners who cycle report lower satisfaction and more uncertainty than couples who never split (Cambridge University Press). Getting back together tends to work best when something important has changed, not just how lonely you feel.

Before you reach out, ask yourself three things:

1. What broke us up, and has it actually changed? If the answer is "nothing yet", it will likely happen again.
2. Do I miss them, or do I miss being in a relationship? If almost anyone kind would do, it's probably the second.
3. Could I say this in person, in daylight? If yes, ask for a coffee rather than sending a long text.

Nobody really teaches you how to end a relationship well, or how to handle the months after. It's one of the things you wish you learned in school, along with money and sleep.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I text my ex if I miss them?

Usually not straight away. Missing someone is normal after a breakup, but texting to ease the feeling tends to restart the craving rather than end it. Write the message in your notes app, text a friend instead, and retake the test in 7 days.

Is it OK to text my ex happy birthday?

Often, yes, if the breakup was friendly and some time has passed. Keep it to one line, such as "Happy birthday, hope it's a good one", and don't add a question. Skip it if things ended badly, they asked for no contact, or the breakup was very recent.

How long should I wait before I text my ex?

Many people find 30 days of no contact helps, because the first month is when the urge is strongest. For anything beyond practical matters, give it at least that long. If they asked for no contact, wait until they reach out, or don't contact them at all.

Should I text my ex on Christmas?

Only if you'd still send it at 10am, rested and sober, and you'd be fine with no reply. A short daytime greeting can be friendly. A late-night message after a party usually isn't about Christmas at all.

Why do I want to text my ex when I'm drunk?

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes feelings feel more urgent, while late nights add tiredness and loneliness. Research also shows rejection activates the brain's reward and craving systems. Together, that makes the urge much harder to resist. Schedule the message for 10am instead, and delete it in the morning if it no longer feels right.

Is it weird to text my ex after a year?

Not if you have a clear, kind reason, such as an apology, congratulations or a practical matter. After a year, many people have the distance to keep a message light. Just be honest with yourself about what you're hoping for, and be ready for no reply.

What should I do if my ex texts me first?

Take your time before replying. Run the same test on your answer: is it safe, do you know what you want, and are you calm? You're allowed to reply briefly, reply later, or not reply at all.

Sources

• Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G. and Mashek, D. Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 2010.
• Marshall, T. C. Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 2012.
• Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L. and Finkel, E. J. Who am I without you? The influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010.
• Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C. and Longmore, M. A. Relationship churning in emerging adulthood. Journal of Adolescent Research, 2013. University summary.
• Dailey, R. M. On-Again/Off-Again Relationships. Cambridge University Press, 2019.
• Mogilski, J. K. and Welling, L. L. M. Staying friends with an ex. Personality and Individual Differences, 2017. BPS Research Digest summary.
• YouGov. Do Americans stay friends with their exes? Poll of 1,000 US adults, September 2022.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, love is respect and 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.